#let alone in a few hours
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the cat in Flow made me emotional because it was so clearly an extremely adored animal that had been quite suddenly abandoned and instead of being silent it kept making the meowing sounds it was accustomed to make to communicate with whoever sculpted all those images of it. the person whose desk it was sleeping on next to an unfinished sculpture of itself. It's not a feral cat in a long-abandoned world because if it was it wouldn't make those sounds; feral cats don't do that. it keeps communicating distress and annoyance at no one in particular because it's used to there being someone around who cares about its comfort. hanging on the side of a boat meowing sadly because it's used to being picked up.
#whoa girl lack of sleep over a few days is going to make me cry over the animated cat#flow 2024#ngl the reason why this made me emotional is not because i'm much of a cat person. i'm not. it made me imagine once again what would happen#to my bird if i died or was forced to abandon her. that animal has been loved and helped in every way every day of her life#i have literally never in her 3 years had her spend a full day alone. if i can't be there i find someone she trusts etc#sometimes when we're playing it suddenly hits me that she doesn't even flap her wings when i swing her up and down#because she knows i won't ever let her drop. bwaahhh.#the idea of that trust ever being betrayed by anyone or anything or her being abandoned and not loved is extremely upsetting to me#like. the worst thing she has ever experienced is her nails being clipped by an inexperienced vet#the longest she has ever been alone is maybe 8 hours (emergency so couldn't find anyone)
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who is this guy 👀
it is indeed aged up nick macmahon
he has a bunch of weird glitches when i aged him up like slits in his nostrils and a gap in his neck but ah well they add character
i really like him tho!
heres what his dad looked like if u cant remember
#my gaming laptop is on it's last legs right now#i was afraid to open sims 4 let alone do anything on this poor thing#if it slightly heats up at all it stops charging and instantly dies#and then won't charge for 72 hours#which isn't great when i'm trying to access my assignments#might bring it in for repairs tomorrow 🤞🏻 dunno yet#anyways hiiii#happy paddys weekend everyone ☘️☘️☘️#i'm looking forward to going out. been a stressful few weeks#bye simblr love u
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thinking about how becca very likely had postpartum depression and she was all alone with only vought’s doctors who didn’t care about her. no husband, family, or friends. having to let them all think she’s dead.
it was just her and a baby born from the most traumatic event in her life
#the boys#becca butcher#:(((#becca really is top 10 mom of all time cause i don’t think i could’ve stomached looking at ryan let alone raising him with the love and#care that she did#obviously not ryan’s fault for how he was born but still it must’ve be hard for her when thinking about how he was conceived#especially those first few weeks#sad becca hours always
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Nothing I hate more than getting out of bed
#abhi colleges#i have to deal with SO many things today#the last class i went to was the second hour on saturday#so now i have to answer everyone😭#and also finish my works and assignments#oh and of course study too which seems almost impossible rn#i have exams coming up and I don't think i can even pass a few subjects let alone acing them#sigh. and then there are People.#and a specific Brainworm.#why does the Brainworm have to be there in my brain while im trying to focus on other things. why. why me. why my brain.#is the Brainworm's brain also with another Brainworm? i certainly hope so but okay this is getting somewhere else#i have to get out of bed now urghhhhh
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#Don't wanna go to bed tonight bc belle won't be there. Soft and fluffy and full of love every time i wake up.#Don't wanna go to the bathroom bc she won't be waiting patiently outside the door when I come out.#Don't wanna go downstairs bc she won't be following me with her little pitter-patter paws and jingle bells on her collar#Don't wanna cook bc i wont have to step over her every time I reach for something or make sure there is some suitable food for her too#Don't want to be sat in my chair bc i dont need to tuck my legs in so she has plenty of room to stretch or just curl up with me#Don't want to see anyone I know bc they don't see me without her so they will ask me where she is#Rosie keeps coming into my room and looking around. Belle doesnt usually leave without her. Let alone for more than a few hours.
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7hrs into my work day lets play a fun game of how much overtime will they make me do 🥰
#i should be going home in AN HOUR!#if im here until 7 again im pulling a sickie tmr idgaf#making me run this stupid thing twice in a day bitch it takes 5 hours!!!!! and i had to do an hour of washing up this morning from#yesterdays run bc we havent had a functional lab dishwasher for 3 months yep we have been fucking handwashing every piece of lab glassware#FOR THREE MONTHS!!#u guys dont even fucking know how much glassware we get thru in a fucking day its shambles#i dont think i even have enough glassware for my second run this afternoon so im gonna have to wash up more#one of the other techs made up the most time consuming reagent for me tho which saves me an hour bless her#but fuuucking hell. hoping when i get back from lunch theyll tell me i dont need to do any more 😭#so i can LEAVE. ON TIME. PLEASE#i cant do another 11 hour day man im not on a fucking shift pattern. if i was then at least id be able to fucking meal prep in advance#but nooooo theyre addicted to giving me unscheduled overtime to do tasks i fucking hate#also did i mention they made it even more complex so now i have to take readings every 30 seconds while constantly titrating this shit#for TEN HOURS. the amount of focus it takes is horrendous i have to keep the number in a 0.0016 range and there are so many dilutions#all this and u can still only analyse 3 samples in 5 hours bc everything has to be in triplicate its fucking sisyphean. hell on earth#puts my head in my hands and wails. im fine ahahahhaahaha. everyone in the lab is being nice abt it at least im getting a lot of pity#i wish i could work shift pattern by this point man or like a 4 day week w 10 hour days. when my managers back im gonna ask her abt it#bc theyve let a few other ppl have custom hours. they wont let me work weekends which is annoying bc im SO productive alone#i might ask again lol so much of my shit is fully independent anyway. aourgh. i get so twitchy from staring at the numbers it makes my#vision swim a bit..... well im used to it#aight vent over im going back in..... wish me fucking luck guys#.diaries
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#i never understood the whole 'do you want xy food?' 'no' 'why not?'#like. i just don't??#what do you expect me to say? like i just can't fathom. do they think i'll say i'm dieting or have an eating disorder? is that it?#because i don't. i just don't want food sometimes#and being asked why and why not at least 3 times isn't gonna make me want to eat#but also 'you're so quiet'#thanks#i usually barely talk anyway but now that you mention it i've been feeling like i'll burst into tears whenever i open my mouth for weeks#and i've been really struggling lately and feel so tired and like i'll lose my mind#but i have no one to go to and get any sort of support or help#so i've just been letting it brew you know. as one does#and your questions about exams and the future aren't helping but i'm being polite and keeping my mouth shut#because you wouldn't treat me very nicely if i broke down in any way#i also just learned a few hours ago that some things really do run in the family#and i once again had to not burst into tears but i've been having a hard time smiling too and i know it's being noticed#but i can't have it be pointed out#so you see. i don't want food. i don't want to talk. i want to be left alone to rot and do the only things i thought i should do#but now i wish it all went to shit right in front of me so i could go with it#oh and you also commented on something which made me realize you might just think i'm 'not healthy'#which made part of my soul die on the spot#but it's all good <3 just a little tired you know
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I don't know if it's the religious trauma or the dead mom trauma but the conservative christian insistence on not teaching children about their bodies in school and insistence that this knowledge should be private in all circumstances with no exceptions should be seen as suspicious at best and criminally malicious at worst
#but wait there's more#I know this isn't a new hot take or anything#but I have 'periods' without blood cause of medical reasons and every time I get them#I think about my great aunt scoffing at me for admitting Im on birth control before she told me#how until she was maybe 16-18 y/o she thought holding hands with boys she liked would get her pregnant#and I think about being 9 y/o and just losing my mom only to be told a few months later that Im a woman now#I was barely sentient let alone a woman#and with the recent period talk ban in florida#where you can't even discuss periods without getting in trouble before 6th grade#how scared and alone I already was being raised in this cult where everything was hush hush#My dad couldn't teach me about them and my extended family didn't tell me about all of the reproductive conditions we have running thru us#so I barely talked to anyone until I was like 13-14 and so anemic I was blacking out and sleeping 14 hours a day#and no one told me it wasnt normal until then#it's dangerous at best and deadly at worst
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I CANT GO TO RENEÉ’S TOUR 💔💔💔
#unless some miracle happens#like her announcing an extra date at the city i can safely and easily navigate sighhh#she’s performed there before but i was a college freshman and terrified of stepping foot outside my dorm#i’ve been wanting to see her live for the last few tours but couldn’t bc of the fact that i couldn’t get out of the house spontaneously#<- let alone ask my parents bc they wouldn’t let me skip school for a concert#and now that i can i have no reliable way of getting there and back 😔#bc the city closes to me is hours away and i’d have to do public transport which STOPS RUNNING after a certain time#i could get the tickets anyway and bribe someone with free ones !?!?? like i said very unreliable#sel says something
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Chaaaaaat. You want to give me money soooo bad. You pity me because I’m useless and you can tell that I can’t do this on my own, so you want to solve that problem for me and pay me for being the sweetest specialest princess in the whole wide world. *Swirly hypnosis gif*
#pleeeeease#I’m not making an actual begging for donations post#but I should#that’s the point it’s gotten to#anyway#We keep it lighthearted here (ignoring the four hundred posts I’ve made about killing myself in the past month alone)#so we keep the begging relegated to silly ‘joking’ posts like this one#because I feel like I’m scamming everyone every time anyone donated to me anyway#I wish I could do anything#literally ANYTHING that was worth paying for#if I had SOME kind of marketable skill#and most importantly an audience who wanted to buy into it#but unfortunately I am- as I said. Useless.#And instead I have surrounded myself with genuinely kind and loving people who I actually care about and feel bad taking advantage of#yippeeee#Anyway.#I love you chat. Don’t let anyone ever make you think otherwise.#I’m going to go to bed now and ruminate on my future#or what exists of it#(jokes on you I’ve been asleep for a few hours at this point and this post was actually scheduled)
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literally fuck!!!
#i love my grandparents but please can i go smoke weed please#i dont even do it that often but like god when i need freedom of movement to go outside for five fucking minutes#and use my new keith haring pipe from my aunts bandmate#literally every older man in my life is giving me gear and drugs its crazy#txt#this place is locked the fuck down and everything creaks and every time i walk to the bathroom after midnight my grandma says 'you were up#late last night' like Yes So What#i have been having so much trouble getting up and i think part of that is that i dont want to have to be a person immediately when i#walk downstairs#like i genuinely need some real alone time i got so spoiled over the past few years#literally was so alone i went insane and now im like begging for solitude#or at least let me also have the benefits of beinf around people (dates new people to talk to idk a social life)#instead im 'rizzing up' a hottie from hinge that lives an hour and a half away#and my only friends are my fucking employers LOL#im going crazy#and i have no money and maybe no new years plans#and i am putting off grief#whateverrrrr
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Husband Rating Test
"And that's why I'm never gonna get married."
#[let's play! (memes)]#// forever a bachelor#// he probably couldn't even last as a husband for a day let alone a few hours
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why am i losing it rn trying to decide if i should go to my parents' for easter with my cat or without......... oh yeah i know why. bc deep down i want the secret third thing.... (not go at all)
#what do you guys know abt greek families and Guilt!!!!!! let me tell u something abt that...........#god also. it's a whole ordeal having to drive my cat he hates car drives.....#and on the other hand i hate leaving him alone......#maybe I'll go for a few days and I'll drive back and forth to check on him.....#like a lunatic.....#it's only a one hour drive so. ok.#sorry. writing things down helps me work them out in my head lsjdksllsm ignore this
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i'm pretty sure my parents have heard herald of darkness more than nick's screams coming from my room at this point
#mk.op#'LET'S LISTEN TO MUSIC' my drunk ass will say at 9:22pm even though i should be in bed attempting to unwind#will still never forget the time i was chilling with quetzal (my dog)#when he was allowed to come upstairs and when my parents were gone he'd just chill on my bed and look outside the window#likely waiting for them to return (mainly my dad)#i can't remember if we were home alone or not but i was watching grave danger with headphones at the start of my csi resurgence#when i was working on half past midnight which was the first fic that started my csi writing spree in 2018 or so#(funnily enough how 'half' made its way into the title one of my earlier alan wake WIPs too)#(if and when i finish it it'll likely be the first AW fic i'll officially publish to ao3)#(I know i've done a few tumblr drabbles before)#but anyway so i was listening to grave danger with headphones max volume#getting into nick's head as he laid buried alive in that box#because the whole point of the fic was to explore what nick might have been thinking during the estimated 24+ hours in isolation#surrounded by dirt#at some point i can't remember w hen#but i freaked myself out a little bit (and i'm not claustrophobic)#i gasped VERY LOUDLY and threw my headphones off#quetzal jumped up and fell off my bed and i FELT SO BAD#cause i just scared the shit out of him#in hindsight i can kind of laugh knowing ultimately he was okay of course#but it's interesting to reflect on just how into nick's head i had gotten#i can only hope i can do the same for alan and niko
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just randomly remembered that during my like 10+ attempts at the shadow yukiko fight i more or less consistently ran out of revival beads so yosuke was just dead (well unconscious but whatever) on the ground for like half the fight gfhfjvhfhfhd-
#puppy rambles#persona 4#p4#as much as i love him he's not always the most useful. that fight is one of those times-#still always keep him in the party though. perfect p4 team to me is yosuke teddie and naoto#i haven't gotten to naoto joining the party yet but i love her. trans icon. vibing naoto is the best thing to happen to the persona 4 fandom#and yosuke and teddie are my favorites of the investigation team thus far. the others are all very close but they're above the others#dunno why i like yosuke so much. souyo is def part of it#and teddie is very very silly. idk why people hate him so much like yea he can be kinda annoying but he's only existed for a few months#he doesn't understand social cues yet. he's just autistic leave him alone vhgbhmfhdf- /hj#i feel like a lot of persona characters have autism vibes but that's probably at least partially just me projecting#at the very least i'm sure we can all agree that aigis and marie do. autism arcana#that's. probably why they're my favorite girls ggyfubhngd-#aigis is easily my favorite persona character. she's cute and also silly :3 and bisexual i love the bisexual toaster and her doors <3#(aikoto + hamugis polycule for the win. makoto and kotone aren't dating obv. ryoji's also dating both of them separately#)#and marie is cute and also silly i'm totally dating her. love how persona technically lets you polyamory so long as you don't date everyone#i have to max her social link for the golden-exclusive content anyway so might as well#‚‚‚ this post got derailed. i like the part where i talked about my beloved persona 3 bisexual polycule#p4's def the best persona game i think but i love p3 very much too. makoto kotone aigis and ryoji are unsurprisingly my faves#really love yukari too. i spent several hours trying to figure out how to add mods to p3p so i could date her as kotone#it was not successful. i'll probably get it on steam when i inevitably play it gghdhchvhv-#and i'll get reload at somepoint too. probably on steam at least first so i can use the kotone mod i need my girlie#makoto is also great i love him. emo non-binary icon. but also silly girlboss. they're both so mentally unwell#that reminds me of a drawing i have in my drafts i should post that#oh also it's aikoto week apparently??? which is very poggers. idk the prompts but i need to draw my sillies regardless#i do slightly prefer hamugis but they're both very very cute to me. the toaster has two hands she can kiss both the doors-#idk why that joke's so funny to me. i should stop now-
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it's literally not a good idea in any way shape or form but I want to get a second job in fast food
#it's not a good idea bc the wages are GARBAGE compared to retail#Macca's base rate for my age is less than half my sunday rate#and they don't get much beyond the base rate#whereas retail we have an incredible base rate AND more weekdays past 6pm and weekends (sat is the same as mon-fri 6pm#and sunday is significantly more)#and like yeah im not getting many shifts but if i were to ask for more I still wouldn't be able to work more than 4 hour shifts til july#bc my retail corporation is surprisingly ethical and extends the age limits by a lot#whereas my friend has a 7.5 half hour shift tomorrow AFTER school. on a week night 😁#which is actually horrifying and should nawwt be legal. thats school 9-3 (+20 min) then work 4-11:30 btw#like i should just wait til my birthday in july n ask for more shifts in retail but i want to try fast food#even though the pay is incredibly ridiculously bad (<10 AUD) (yes our adult minimum wage is a good ~23 but under 21 is a percentage of that#like the pay is so bad so i would earn the same or more doing wayy less hours than retail#but i kinda want to get the fast food experience bc it'll be more difficult to get hired as i age#bc i want to save up 20k for top surgery but at the rate im going it'll be difficult to have even thay#let alone savings after top surgery or money to get a car before#and as school gets more difficult it'll be harder to work more#so maybe i should just grind for a few months or til the end of the year then go back to retail exclusively?#and enjoy higher pay and some longer shifts?#but idkkk it's just such a dilemma bc i want more shifts than I'll get at retail but fast food pays so little#but i also really want the experience and to just try it out#im gonna. idk im gonna sit on it for a bit bc i want to get my legal name change sorted before i apply to any second jobs and that will#take a while#so i shall consider. draw up a timetable. write a pros and cons list#yes that sounds like a solid plan#whoop typo but im on mobile i meant 'wayy less hours IN retail'#oscar.exe
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